| Earlier on this week, I went straight to my room once I got home after school, something I rarely do, and I just laid there on my bed, and staring at my poster of Psalm 121. I laid there thinking about purpose, the purpose of everything, anything. Our time on earth is way too short compared to ETERNITY with God, too short for anything thing to just happen, to just be because it is.
I eventually doze off four about an hour, but the whole time, I felt wide awake. Thoughts constantly went through my head, reasons, everything. Everything has a purpose, every situation, every person you encounter, everything in your life, there's a reason for it. I wanted to stop, to get away from everything, to go towards God, and stop depending on myself, my thoughts, my emotions, and totally surrender to God, and so I decided to stop doing, stop speaking, stop wanting, and just listen, listening to God's voice.
Often times I would have these long periods of passion, undying passion for God, and every time I would pray, it was filled with this, this indescribable faith in my prayer, in God, invincible. Then I would go through these state of uncertainty, weakness, tired of everything. I would feel lost, and doubt a lot of what I believe in, and those times scare me; so afraid that I don't believe anymore, afraid that I was wrong all along, afraid, and not trust in God's word. Those times hurt, and I feel broken, pointless, purposeless, and just lost. I would beat myself up, trying to be passionate but I wouldn't be, and I wonder; why?
Too many times we have empty prayers, it might sound good, with a lot of nicely stranded words, maybe even a verse here and there, but all they are are words, meaningless, purposeless, passionless. We try so hard to impress those who see or hear us praying, try to create this image for ourselves, someone we're not, and even try to testify to God who we are, but really aren't, how foolish is that, telling Someone who created you, knows more about you than you know yourself, understands your potentials, your weaknesses, your future and your past better than you ever will, and you're trying to convince Him that, you must be out of your mind; I must be out of my mind. How am I ever going to convince God of anything; how? I can't. We can't. He is who He is.
This one time, this one time I think I understood Him, I think I heard His soft, clear whisper, right now it still seems unclear, but its really close, so I'm not sure if its really God, but this time, this time it might just be His whisper in the noise I call my life, the noise of the media, society, relationships, all of it put aside and under His voice, this might be it. It was my name, the purpose of my name. Philip Chew, my name is Philip Chew, and I understand why now. I've been consuming so many things into my life, and constantly, constantly do and do and do these things and my life becomes so overwhelmed with everything that I become lost in the midst of everything, and its purpose is forgotten, the purpose of prayer is forgotten, the purpose of fellowship is forgotten, even the purpose of the people in my life that I cherished so much, the simple things and truths God has taught me, and the little simple moments that brings me the most joy, all forgotten, and replaced by complicated thoughts, complicated words, actions, replaced.
My last name being Chew, spelt c-h-e-w, unlike the common spellings, really stuck out all my life, and its so unique, and I think I know why its like that now, God is telling me to chew, we've all heard the common saying, "don't bite off more than you can chew," and that's what God is telling me. I need to stop consuming all these things into my life, into my mouth, but instead chew on what is already there, stop, and look around my life, look into my life, focus on everything that is, and not what it might be, what it can be. To really allow everything thats already part of my life to sink in, understood, and praise God for it. To count my blessings, to count all the good times, all the things I've learned, to understand. To chew, and break down everything so that its simple enough to be swallowed, to be taken in.
My first name is Philip, pronounced fill-up, how great is that? God is telling me, in order to be filled up by the blessings of my life, I need to chew. Like I said before, when we chew things that are in our mouths, we break it down, to the point that its so simple for our bodies gain nourishment from, and when everything is chewed up, we can digest it, and be filled up by it, how great is that?
When we chew things, we get the flavor of it, when we chew it slowly, we get to enjoy the little things about it, the details, the texture, and the flavor relieves ourselves, chew. When we eat, we don't shove everything in our mouths, if we do, we don't taste anything. God wnats us to enjoy our lives, enjoy Him, and in order to do so, we must chew, and not swallow things whole, how much harder is it to digest somethign swallowed whole then it is to digest something chewed up.
And to top it all off, I'm Chinese, and in Chinese, the last name comes first, so my name is, CHEW, PHILIP.
I want to thank You God, for the simplest things of my life, the simple pleasures, thank You.
P.S. I love you.
When I think about the Lord,
How He raised me,
How He saved me,
How He filled me up,
With the Holy Ghost,
How He healed me to the utter most...
Makes me wanna shout,
HALLELUJAH,
THANK YOU JESUS.
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